How Much Do You Know About Your Family? 20 Questions to Ask About Family History

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s: These are the times that families get together and tell stories. But conversations with family members can sometimes stay on a superficial level; it can take a few storytelling, memory-sharing, history prompts for family members to get to the good stuff.

In my talks and workshops, I regularly refer to the work of Drs. Robyn Fivush and Marshall Duke. Through their research at Emory University’s Family Narratives Lab and the Sloan Center for the Study of Myth and Ritual in American Life, Fivush and Duke have conclusively shown that children and adolescents who grow up in families that talk regularly about family members and family history give their offspring a grounded identity and a greater sense of self-efficacy by connecting them to something larger than themselves—their family.

It’s an article by Bruce Feiler, “This Life: The Stories that Bind Us”, which appeared in The New York Times in March 2013, that further solidifies the idea that asking family members questions about family history promotes a sense of connection. In it, Feiler describes his search to find what makes families successful and resilient. He not only notes the Fivush and Duke studies, but also refers to their Do You Know Scale (DYK), a list of twenty questions to see how much family members know about their family history.

During your family time this holiday season, try out the Do You Know Scale for yourself. It doesn’t have to be a competition of who knows the family best; it could just be used as question prompts to have insightful conversations about family members and share family stories at the dinner table.

The Do You Know Scale: Questions to ask family members during the holidays for family stories

Please answer the following questions by circling “Y” for “yes” or “N” for “no.” Even if you know the information we are asking about, you don’t need to write it down. We just wish to know if you know the information. (Pixorium note: You don’t have to circle yes or no, you can just use the prompts as a jumping-off point for discussion.)

1. Do you know how your parents met? Y/N
2. Do you know where your mother grew up? Y/N
3. Do you know where your father grew up? Y/N
4. Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up? Y/N
5. Do you know where some of your grandparents met? Y/N
6. Do you know where your parents were married? Y/N
7. Do you know what went on when you were being born? Y/N
8. Do you know the source of your name? Y/N
9. Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born? Y/N
10. Do you know which person in your family you look most like? Y/N
11. Do you know which person in the family you act most like? Y/N
12. Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger? Y/N
13. Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences? Y/N
14. Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school? Y/N
15. Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc)? Y/N
16. Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young? Y/N
17. Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young? Y/N
18. Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to? Y/N
19. Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to? Y/N
20. Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough? Y/N

Score: Total number answered Y.
Important Note : About that last question—Fifteen percent of our sample actually answered “Yes!” This is because the stories that families tell are not always “true.” More often than not they are told in order to teach a lesson or help with a physical or emotional hurt. As such, they may be modified as needed. The accuracy of the stories is not really critical. In fact, there are often disagreements among family members about what really happened. These disagreements then become part of the family narrative. Not to worry!

Higher scores on the DYK scale were associated with higher levels of self-esteem, an internal locus of control (a belief in one’s own capacity to control what happens to him or her), better family functioning, lower levels of anxiety, fewer behavioral problems, and better chances for good outcomes if a child faces educational or emotional/behavioral difficulties.

(The above comments are taken from Marshall Duke’s blog post, “The Stories That Bind Us: What Are the Twenty Questions?,” from The Huffington Post.)

Now, nothing in the Fivush or Duke’s studies address sharing family photos with the stories. Yet for me, the photos most quickly draw me into such a conversation. Photos can be a visual stimulant, a reminder of a memory we or moment we forgot about. They’re also a great way to draw the attention of younger people, who aren’t always so interested in the stories of yesteryear.

Some of the questions, “Do you know which person in your family you look most like?” clearly will help young people find connections in their families to other, often older relatives they might not know anything about. For me, that question is easily answered by this photo of me and my dad.

Of course, the holiday season is busy enough as it is—no one really wants another “to-do” on their list. But this one is easy; all you have to do is pull up this list on your phone. And it gets at what the holidays are really about: family and connection.

If you want to fully try the DYK scale the way the researchers intended, print out the scale and pass it around during dessert. Make sure to have family photos on hand to pass around the table once the scales have been filled out and you’re discussing the answers. Ask relatives to bring their own photos, too!

May you share good laughs while you connect to something important: family.